My Bleeding Heart

 Long ago there lived a noble prince who tried in vain to win the heart of a very beautiful princess. The prince had brought the princess wonderful gifts from his travels far and wide. Yet she had taken no notice of him. One day the prince returned from a long journey with very special gifts to surely win the love of the princess. First he presented her with two magical pink bunnies.

The princess only sighed and barely looked at the little bunnies. The hopeful prince had one more gift saved for last - he presented a pair of slippers made of the finest silk.

Again, the princess hardly noticed the prince's gift. Now the poor prince was utterly heartbroken. He could try no more to win the heart of the princess. He rose up, pulled a dagger from his sheath and stabbed himself in the heart. 

 

                                                               

The princess was overcome by the dedication of the dying prince and his unending love for her. She realized too late that she loved him also. "Alas," she cried out. "I have done wrong, my own heart is broken also. I shall bleed for my prince forever more!" And her heart bleeds to this very day.

Komasket 2011

Reconnecting
Move, Sing, Stomp
Feet in sand
Levitate
Sing full mouth
Sound sliding
down
my
throat
and shaking the nargles out of my brain

Dramatic, Soulful, Enchanting
I move, shake, strut, and cha cha cha

Millions of stars wink me to sleep
Cool air wraps me in its blanket
Tantric drum rhythms tend to the sore places
in my soul.

Mom, what does the ocean taste like?

My kids had their first ocean swimming experience in Vancouver this summer. It was a gorgeous hot summer day and the water was perfect. They explored and paddled until they finally leapt in and started swimming. Their reactions are too funny!!

Can we swim?

Paddle harder!!

Cool seaweed!!!

Can we eat it?

Getting deeper...

Holding her breath and keeping the water OUT!!

Salty!!!!

Thickened

If your game was to steal my voice, you win.

Words flew like great winged bats
From the cavernous recesses of my soul
Out the gaping open mouth of my empty head
Into the approaching darkness.
Flying for an eternity.

If your game was to collect me, I lose.

I gifted myself like a spoiled toddler's Christmas parcel
Wrapped in shiny paper and ribbons.
Cooed over briefly, then torn to shreds,
And left in a heap on the floor.
The toy, too, abandoned for another.

Each thickens the scars that are becoming my new skin.

A quiet moment with my camera

This flower reminded me of Dr. Seuss



Another hydrangea



The view from one side of Queen Elizabeth Park in Vancouver, BC

when she's gone

the Sunshine, fiery hot - close enough to burn despite its distance -
anchors the beautiful blue-green globe
as it dances and spins and celebrates its
own true and wonderful life

while Moonlight, cool - distant and mysterious in it closeness -
reflecting the Sunshine’s own true light
circles the fragile sphere as it shakes and floods
fearing it might break apart at any moment

carving an eternal path
in the unbreakable embrace
wedded for all eternity
basking in the light and love and warmth
of Sunshine

look only to Moonlight as a reminder of
the warmth Sunshine brings

forever

Everyday is Earth Day...

...isn't it?

Except, that yesterday at midnight my cell phone plan ended. And, today, on Earth Day, I am faced with my decision to move into iPhone land. I am very excited about this new adventure, but can't help feeling karma guilt that I am doing something so completely un-environmentally friendly on this day.

I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE all who see this - whether it is April 22 OR NOT - to please do something wonderful for our Earth Mother. These are things we do at home.

* (we don't always do this one - but we should) put a bin in your kitchen sink and collect all the water you would normally run down the drain when rinsing dishes, etc... and water your garden with it (make certain you have biodegradable, phosphate free soap)
* stop using petroleum based cleaning products and explore products like Seventh Generation
* set out a barrel to collect rain water for your garden watering
* turn off your shower when soaping up and shaving, and keep your showers short
* (not always possible to do 100%, especially in Winter, but we do our best) eat locally - but check your sources, sometimes the "local" food has been shipped thousands of miles to be processed (meat in particular)
* whenever possible ride a bike, walk, take public transport and carpool to help cut down emissions.
* pick up garbage you see lying around
* take your own bags when you go shopping
* recycle EVERYTHING. (for example, the paper labels on the cans are recyclable, the cans are recyclable, the food you don't use is compostable - NO WASTE - our family of 5, for years has only put out 1/2 a small garbage bag a week thanks to composting and recycling)

OK. If I continue to do this and more, and if you will help me, then maybe I can ease some of my karma guilt and be able to enjoy my new phone.

Namaste

5 seconds of silence

They just passed, and it was wonderful.

I sometimes forget what life without noise is like.

Somewhere in the recent events of the day I remembered that I have not done any writing at all for a really long time. And so I am writing. Whatever is on my mind - just like I tell my students at school.

To begin, I went to see my Dr. again today and this time confirmed that I would not be going back to teaching for the rest of this school year. I am struggling physically and emotionally after a car accident that happened on Feb 6th. I walked away from the crash, and did not think I was hurt at all. However, I was in a little bit of shock, and by 9:30 that evening, I started to feel a lot of stiffness in my neck and a very sore right wrist. Much later I noticed a lot of pain in my hips, and all these things combined have ganged up on me. I am weak. I am ridiculously frustrated. I have attempted to go back to work 2 times and failed both times. So now, I am entering a rehabilitation program to heal my body, as well as my mind and spirit. I am not the kind of person who stops for myself. My job and my family have always come first, and sadly, in that order. I have not had - or made - any time for friends. And now, the Universe is giving me a golden opportunity to be self-focused. I am going to relish the opportunity.

The 5 seconds of silence are such a gift - and now that silence is extending into minutes as the kids have left the house to go biking. I am surrounded in noise in everything I do. Positive, creative, NOISE! I realize that there is a lot of noise in my head. So even when there is not a lot of activity around me the chaos of coping with the day and preparing for the next one rages around in my head. This is the first time that I can remember not having to actually worry about preparing for anything - except maybe the next meal and making sure the kids are on time for soccer. But relatively speaking, that is a pretty small order.

I am breathing. I am listening to the thoughts order themselves and quiet themselves inside of me. I look forward to yoga, and meditation around the physio therapy and massage and chiropractic visits. I look forward to reading in the sun and walking in the trees (when I can walk without pain - and I WILL do that).

I have written. I will write. I have slowed to think and create. I will continue to focus on those things. I will sing. I will make music. I will...be.

Namaste.

Hope

From a tiny spark
Leaps a mighty flame

At first delicately licking the tender grasses
Hissing and popping with delight
In its new and expansive playground
Unleashed
Free to burn

But the fire is greedy
It doesn't posses the knowledge
Nor the desire
To stop its destructive journey
Until it has had its gluttonous fill.

The fragile and foolish moth sees the beautiful flame
And is powerless in the Siren's song
And so it flies on Icarus' journey
And falls...

...As do the gentle monoliths that have lived in peace
Asking nothing
Only providing
Shelter and comfort
Breath for the creatures they support

What is left is blackened
Charred almost beyond recognition
Ghosts of the glory that once was.
Tears fall and disappear in the smoke.
Will Phoenix be brave enough to rise from the ashes?
Again?

All that is left is
Hope.

Baby Blackbird

A froth of pink and blonde
Tangled in the branches
Of the still sleeping tree
Your crystalline steel blue eyes
Cast upward in earnest
As you try to climb closer to the elusive
Winged magician that has captured your
Attention in this moment.

Squealing with delight I send for the camera
To immortalize this living, loving memory
Remembering the bits and pieces of another memory
Constructed in my mind only by the words
Of the story told to me over and over again.
A verbal snapshot of my own childhood
And a stranded sister stuck up a tree.

But, you are anything but stuck
Carefully retracing the fuzzy, gem encrusted slippers
Back down the rough whorl encrusted trunk
To collect the beautiful singing bird toy
That could be the baby of the Momma you seek.
You lift your gentle hands skyward
And show off your prized possession
Only to watch her fly off to a higher tree.

My little adventurer.
My dreamer.
You live so openly.
Believing the bird will come to see you.
Keep believing my little one,
That the world will respond in kind to your advances.
And you, too, will fly higher and higher.

The Loon's Song

Two birds of prey circle overhead;
One the majestic Bald, the other Golden,
Eyeing each other with mistrust
Waiting to swoop down
To take their place at the stone table
Where my Promethean heart is bound.


Bound by love and joy, my heart grows
Anew, each day, filled with laughter.
Sharing experiences as the Universe reveals
To wide, amazed eyes, Her splendid secrets.
Pink mouths dance as one question answered
Pops the champagne cork of "Why?"


Why, then, in the midst of bliss do I strain against
These bonds and throw my soul skyward
To where you are, and wonder who will catch me?
Until I hear my ghostly mate's mournful cry.
My life partner gliding silently across still waters
Singing a song of such true and haunting love.


Love, that binds my heart firmly, lovingly, deeply.
Knowing, that to hold too tight, will break
The hollow bones that let me fly,
He sings his unmistakable Loon song.
As I soar with the Eagles
Spinning, Diving, Circling at dizzying heights,
His songs lead me by heart, back to Earth
To refresh my spirit in the cool waters.

spring wakes slowly

stretching stiff, cold limbs

silently laughing at the

suffering around her

succulent buds tentativly

seeking the warmth of her breath

stirring with need to open

sun starved blossoms

soon...we are told

so we wait and watch

scared to hope that maybe today the

snow won't stick.

Labyrinthine skeleton fervently clings,
mirroring the grandeur
of her former self;
remembrances of sustaining life blood
springing through her perfect anatomy.
Singing, while wind whistled,
laughed, danced, tickled,
and finally tore her
from her castle high.

Crowned in royal purple and shot through
with new-birth green, born of her own body,
she waits quietly;
unnoticed as the mother with a new born babe
and just as proud.

eloquently
gracefully
eternally
She returns from whence she came.

the greatest gift

Tonight, my love,
you have given me
the greatest gift of all.

You gave my heart peace.
You gave me respect and compassion,
telling me you trust me,
you trust our love,
you trust my heart.

I receive this precious gift
with the responsibility of
cherishing it as I cherish you.
I will hold it carefully
with both hands.

My love for you grows every day.
Of the million stars,
yours in the brightest.
Then, now, always and forever.

Yet another morning I wake to find you gone from our bed.
Air shudders from my lungs and across my dry mouth.
Wondering what I will find; straining my ears to hear.
How have I upset you this morning?

Echos of yesterday's conversations still ring.
The bitter salt springs eternal in my eyes
Not to soothe the abused and overworked spheres
But to toil them further.

Toil intended to force them to look unnaturally inward.
Nerves and sinews strained to breaking.
The optic nerve connected to the heart string.
Unable, all, to work in harmony.

I recognize beauty in the flower in my window
Lit with the unwelcome and perfect blue winter light.
The tired spheres gladly look outward again
Seeking beauteous distraction.

My thoughts and words do not flow easily today.
I am ill at ease, not knowing
If you will stay by my side all this night.
So that I might hold your hand in the dark.

whispering

Sticks and stones may break your bones
But one word – orange – it bruises.

When I look at the path we have walked,
It is littered with hurtful words that lie
Smouldering with the anger that fumed
Passionately from our fiery mouths.
I don’t want to look there anymore.
How can I stop my ears from hearing the
Words that constrict my heart and bring
Me, choking, back into the fire
That threatens to consume me?

Why do you visit me so?
And, how is it you keep finding me,
When I am so careful to mask my footsteps
And to make myself invisible to prying eyes?
You shimmer and whisper dulcet harmonies
Until the horrible advancing fear that hounds me to
This place, vanishes as a puff of smoke chased by the wind.

I have asked you again and again to leave me
And, yet you do not.
You stand in silent solace, still singing
And whispering the way you do
So that I can’t quite hear you
But can never forget your presence.

You? You master the fire; tethering and playing; drawing
Brilliant images; laughing at the acrid smell of burnt
Flesh and hair; enjoying the danger and the thrill.
Is that why you have withstood the fire of my heart?

I want to understand you. The whole you.
I understand you well enough to know how to bruise you.
I want you to understand me. The whole me.
But I don’t want to be your bruise.

Where do we go from here?
You and me. He and she. She and I. You and Him.
When life hands you lemons; make orange juice.
It’s sweeter.

warnings and personal reflection

Good friends, who care a lot about me and mine, recently sent me this horoscope reading. I thank you for your concern. I do see a lot of truth in this and am reflecting accordingly. I am grateful for your influence and presence in my life.

Unrealistic attitudes in personal relationships may cause problems during this time, and you may experience disappointments that will seriously affect your domestic life. You tend to avoid the truth about yourself and about your relationships at this time, and your reluctance to deal with reality could set you up for a very severe fall. This will undermine your self-confidence as well as the relationships. Your sense of reality in relationships and your ability to accept others as they are is being tested by this influence. If a new potential lover comes along, you may be swept off your feet. You are not excited by the reality of the person but by something within yourself that you are projecting upon the other. When you finally learn the truth about the other person, you may have difficulty accepting it, even though the truth is perfectly all right in itself. A danger you should watch for especially with this influence is that of being attracted to an unattainable person. You may be setting yourself up for a situation in which you cannot win. The other person appears as an unrealizable dream, someone who is too far above you to be attained. You have to recognize that your real objective here is avoiding an actual encounter. If you play this as a dreamy kind of game, you are unlikely to do anyone, including yourself, much harm. But if you take your "suffering" seriously, the resulting sense of defeat may be quite harmful to you. Also, others may find your martyred role in love very difficult to be around. Relationships like these are often born of a feeling of inadequacy. By avoiding confrontations with real people, you also avoid a confrontation with yourself, in which you fear that you will be the loser. Yet a real confrontation is just what you need. If you persist in one of these relationships after this period, you will have to confront both yourself and your partner as real individuals. Whatever the outcome, this could be the most valuable part of the relationship.

or else my heart concealing it, will break

i stand in the middle
looking out to the corners
but only one is looking back
and he is sad

- you are totally disengaged (stay there)
~ you are understandably disappointed (but still love)
* you are lonely and know not where to turn (and I am sorry)
and he is sad and hurt

i search all the eyes
and look into my own heart
and live the truth, despite the pain
and he is sad and hurt and confused

- you completely broke me and my trust in people
~ you opened doors for me, then closed them forcibly
* you came and taught me how to trust and love again
and he is sad and hurt and confused...and patient

my tongue will tell the anger of my heart
my tongue will tell the sadness of my heart
my tongue will tell the secrets of my heart
But, he who is sad and hurt and confused and patient, loves me

ME!
All of me.
The passionate and the foolish me.
The kind and the cruel me.
The wise and the weak me.
Me.
I am forever grateful.

I move forward from this place of gratitude - with joy.
Everyday is new opportunity to be joyful.
I rejoice in you.

Forever, YOUR one and only.

kind is my love

Let not my love be called idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
Fair, kind, and true, is all my argument,
Fair, kind, and true, varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
Fair, kind, and true, have often lived alone,
Which three till now, never kept seat in one.

~ William Shakespeare (Sonnet CV)