half way to her heart

Come out, come out...wherever you are...

2012-01-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

17 forever, and what of it?

Silly that I think 17 when really, I hated being 17. So is it that I want to live in some sort of paranoid, schizophrenic chaos of wondering and questioning, and feeling all the guilt about doing things only to impress others and not being true to myself.

Drink…Drink…Drink…

And wake up on the beach

Cold, alone

And not knowing how I got there

Or, what happened in between.

I know now, in the wisdom of my

20/20 hindsight that I was indeed NOT

the only virgin

left alive on the planet

But I don’t – or can’t – regret the decisions I made.

I made them, they live in me and

Inform who I become.

Now more than twice that age, I still feel 17

Facing chaos and anxiety

Questions and confusion

Who am I today?

Who am I tomorrow?

Who am I….the Buddha question.

Who am I – a mother

Who am I – a wife

Who am I – a teacher

Who am I – a daughter

Who am I – a writer, who doesn’t write enough

Who am I – a friend, who doesn’t have time to be a good one

Who am I – a passionate live-er of life

Who am I – a crier, when angry, hurt, stressed, tired, sad

Who am I – the body who gives hugs and unconditional love to my children when they have a bump – body or soul

Who am I – the question keeps coming and I fear to dig too deeply – I fear the tears that most likely dwell in that secret place where 'I to mine own self are true' – I think it is beautiful there – but dark. Wanting light.

Can Lana come out to play today?

The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

2011-12-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

So...I've been immersed in creativity (once again) producing the show you see pictured below, while starring as The Queen of Hearts, in "Alice in Wonderland" simultaneously (pictures to follow later). Needless to say, no time to blog!

Happy holidays, EVERYONE!! Much love.

More photos and the story of our little theatre available at...

http://www.sd22.bc.ca/~lobrien/http___www.sd22.bc.ca_%7Elobrien/Welcome.html

School's out for Summer!

2011-06-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

OK...let's get serious now! Eat healthy. Exercise. Read. Write. Love. Laugh. LIVE!!!

A Good Day

2011-06-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Not so productive at school, BUT I ended the day with another intense acupuncture treatment. Then, feeling soooooo good tonight, I went for a short run and did some great yoga with the bosu. Feeling good and wanting to keep going.

hmmmmm

2011-06-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's not going well...at least in my latest desire to write and to eat healthier. Although, I am getting to my physio and acupuncture treatments regularly, again. And, I went to yoga last night with my beautiful friend, Victoria. I'm not giving up on me!! Stay tuned.

Music. My heart. My soul. A New Journey.

2011-06-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

OK...So, I was in a seemingly unremarkable car accident a year and a half ago. However, here I am - fully a year and a half later - still trying to recover from it. The timing coincided with minor surgical procedure and a personal upheaval with a couple of close friends (which also is not healed). I have been struggling to find myself. I have put on about 20 lbs due to not being able to exercise because of pain, combined with comfort eating. I will begin to change that today. And this is going to be a part of my accountability...'cause, you know, now it's "out there." :)

I am still teaching and creating full time +++ but I haven't been writing. I will being that again today, too!

Enjoy this video of me singing with one of my students. We were performing for the "Keep The Beat Music Marathon" to benefit the War Child Canada organization.

http://www.vimeo.com/24660840

African Noel.mp4

2010-12-16T21:18:00.000-08:00

2010-10-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

orange cones and high viz vests
fluorescent signs
all point the way to Progress
pulling my focus from
Autumn dressed trees in
newly oranged garments

water falling over manmade mountains
keeps pace with urban giraffes
craning loads higher - and still higher -
blocking my vision of
Autumn dressed hillsides in
vivid golds and greens

The "weapons of mass destruction"
were never found. Or so they tell us.
But, how can we be so blind?
They surround every moment of our
existence,
threatening quietude,
and peace of mind.

reformed earth in ugly concrete
water displaced from its rightful path
Shovels on steroids - in an endless
search to find treasure in the centre of the earth -
spoon out the eyes of the helm keepers
as they build for the next
Generation Alpha Centauri.

Archeologists from a parallel universe
will bear the only witness
to undiscovered organisms as they
teach this pristine example.
The epitome of what not, to do.

Blank Verse

2010-09-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

.

.

Mom, what does the ocean taste like?

2010-08-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

My kids had their first ocean swimming experience in Vancouver this summer. It was a gorgeous hot summer day and the water was perfect. They explored and paddled until they finally leapt in and started swimming. Their reaction are too funny!!

Can we swim?

Paddle harder!!

Cool seaweed!!!

Can we eat it?

Getting deeper...

Holding her breath and keeping the water OUT!!

Salty!!!!

Thickened

2010-08-02T13:56:00.001-07:00

If your game was to steal my voice, you win.

Words flew like great winged bats
From the cavernous recesses of my soul
Out the gaping open mouth of my empty head
Into the approaching darkness.
Flying for an eternity.

If your game was to collect me, I lose.

I gifted myself like a spoiled toddler's Christmas parcel
Wrapped in shiny paper and ribbons.
Cooed over briefly, then torn to shreds,
And left in a heap on the floor.
The toy, too, abandoned for another.

Each thickens the scars that are becoming my new skin.

A quiet moment with my camera

2010-07-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

This flower reminded me of Dr. Seuss

Another hydrangea

The view from one side of Queen Elizabeth Park in Vancouver, BC

when she's gone

2010-06-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

the Sunshine, fiery hot - close enough to burn despite its distance -
anchors the beautiful blue-green globe
as it dances and spins and celebrates its
own true and wonderful life

while Moonlight, cool - distant and mysterious in it closeness -
reflecting the Sunshine’s own true light
circles the fragile sphere as it shakes and floods
fearing it might break apart at any moment

carving an eternal path
in the unbreakable embrace
wedded for all eternity
basking in the light and love and warmth
of Sunshine

look only to Moonlight as a reminder of
the warmth Sunshine brings

forever

Everyday is Earth Day...

2010-04-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

...isn't it?

Except, that yesterday at midnight my cell phone plan ended. And, today, on Earth Day, I am faced with my decision to move into iPhone land. I am very excited about this new adventure, but can't help feeling karma guilt that I am doing something so completely un-environmentally friendly on this day.

I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE all who see this - whether it is April 22 OR NOT - to please do something wonderful for our Earth Mother. These are things we do at home.

* (we don't always do this one - but we should) put a bin in your kitchen sink and collect all the water you would normally run down the drain when rinsing dishes, etc... and water your garden with it (make certain you have biodegradable, phosphate free soap)
* stop using petroleum based cleaning products and explore products like Seventh Generation
* set out a barrel to collect rain water for your garden watering
* turn off your shower when soaping up and shaving, and keep your showers short
* (not always possible to do 100%, especially in Winter, but we do our best) eat locally - but check your sources, sometimes the "local" food has been shipped thousands of miles to be processed (meat in particular)
* whenever possible ride a bike, walk, take public transport and carpool to help cut down emissions.
* pick up garbage you see lying around
* take your own bags when you go shopping
* recycle EVERYTHING. (for example, the paper labels on the cans are recyclable, the cans are recyclable, the food you don't use is compostable - NO WASTE - our family of 5, for years has only put out 1/2 a small garbage bag a week thanks to composting and recycling)

OK. If I continue to do this and more, and if you will help me, then maybe I can ease some of my karma guilt and be able to enjoy my new phone.

Namaste

Control Alt Delete

2010-04-20T09:01:00.001-07:00

Control Alt Delete
Originally uploaded by Digger Digger Dogstar

If only I had the codes to write the virus
that would wipe out the hard drive
re-boot the system
clean the files
remove unused programs
and filter the spyware

Create a space of harmony
integrity
space to breathe
with ease
a place of loving compassion

Where communication moves unhalted
and everyone speaks without fear
of judgement
of reprisals
of being jeopardized

If only I could quiet the voices of my hurting head
and speak the songs of my heart

To learn to share generously
and to be grateful for what I have
To stop longing for what can never be
and live in blissful gratitude

I am surrounded by many gifts
I am surrounded in love
I am blessed beyond measure
I am blessed in love
I have joy to share
I will share love

But, love...is complicated.
Control Alt Delete

fog

2010-04-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

(photo credit http://search4beauty.blogspot.com/)

shrouded in mystery
beauty lies buried in uncertainty
the outcome unclear or unknown
does colour and joy reign there
under all the grey which threatens
to swallow us whole

5 seconds of silence

2010-04-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

They just passed, and it was wonderful.

I sometimes forget what life without noise is like.

Somewhere in the recent events of the day I remembered that I have not done any writing at all for a really long time. And so I am writing. Whatever is on my mind - just like I tell my students at school.

To begin, I went to see my Dr. again today and this time confirmed that I would not be going back to teaching for the rest of this school year. I am struggling physically and emotionally after a car accident that happened on Feb 6th. I walked away from the crash, and did not think I was hurt at all. However, I was in a little bit of shock, and by 9:30 that evening, I started to feel a lot of stiffness in my neck and a very sore right wrist. Much later I noticed a lot of pain in my hips, and all these things combined have ganged up on me. I am weak. I am ridiculously frustrated. I have attempted to go back to work 2 times and failed both times. So now, I am entering a rehabilitation program to heal my body, as well as my mind and spirit. I am not the kind of person who stops for myself. My job and my family have always come first, and sadly, in that order. I have not had - or made - any time for friends. And now, the Universe is giving me a golden opportunity to be self-focused. I am going to relish the opportunity.

The 5 seconds of silence are such a gift - and now that silence is extending into minutes as the kids have left the house to go biking. I am surrounded in noise in everything I do. Positive, creative, NOISE! I realize that there is a lot of noise in my head. So even when there is not a lot of activity around me the chaos of coping with the day and preparing for the next one rages around in my head. This is the first time that I can remember not having to actually worry about preparing for anything - except maybe the next meal and making sure the kids are on time for soccer. But relatively speaking, that is a pretty small order.

I am breathing. I am listening to the thoughts order themselves and quiet themselves inside of me. I look forward to yoga, and meditation around the physio therapy and massage and chiropractic visits. I look forward to reading in the sun and walking in the trees (when I can walk without pain - and I WILL do that).

I have written. I will write. I have slowed to think and create. I will continue to focus on those things. I will sing. I will make music. I will...be.

Namaste.

Love is the new religion

2010-03-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Are YOU a member of this conscious army?

Love and radiant blessings to you all.

Hiding

2010-02-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

i want to crawl into the soft, dark place

in your mouth

and hide

i want you to swallow me like the Beast
on "Where The Wild Things Are" swallowed the boy

for his own good

i want to be massaged into a ball
of masticated tendons and of flesh
lubricated...ready to be swallowed.
and, when you can roll me around your tongue
like that, what will you choose to do with me?

swallow?

or, spit?

Everything Hurts

2010-02-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

You mourn the loss of an impossible opportunity
and I fear that you will not see me with the same eyes.

You mourn because my body is forever altered
and I wonder if you will ever touch me in the same way.

You mourn the essence of my power taken from me
and I worry that you will never forgive my decision.

But, I did this for us.
Whether you believe this or not.
For us to always be
Connected without fear.

And now, I am sore afraid.

Smoke and Mirrors

2009-12-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

you think you know me
you see me laugh and you think i'm happy
you see me smile; you think i like you

you create me in your own image

open the door to my mind and look inside
claim you know me better than anyone else
when you peel back the layers all you reveal
is the reflection that is you

smoke and mirrors

throw stones at me
break the glass
and you will be shaken to the very marrow of your bones
choke on the smoke of the dragon's breath
that is held back by the mirror
learn what you never dreamed

then never look at me agan
turn away in fear
protect yoursef against the demons you think i bring

as smoke suffocates
and mirrors shatter into a million poisonous shards
scraping the flesh from your fear filled bones
i will quietly close the door and retreat to the truth

knowing

better than anyone else
the true nature of my mind

No One Like You

2009-12-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

Hope

2009-11-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

From a tiny spark
Leaps a mighty flame

At first delicately licking the tender grasses
Hissing and popping with delight
In its new and expansive playground
Unleashed
Free to burn

But the fire is greedy
It doesn't posses the knowledge
Nor the desire
To stop its destructive journey
Until it has had its gluttonous fill.

The fragile and foolish moth sees the beautiful flame
And is powerless in the Siren's song
And so it flies on Icarus' journey
And falls...

...As do the gentle monoliths that have lived in peace
Asking nothing
Only providing
Shelter and comfort
Breath for the creatures they support

What is left is blackened
Charred almost beyond recognition
Ghosts of the glory that once was.
Tears fall and disappear in the smoke.
Will Phoenix be brave enough to rise from the ashes?
Again?

All that is left is
Hope.

Not today

2009-10-21T09:48:00.001-07:00

Dreams that were strung like pearls on silk
Now roll across the floor, hiding in corners with dust mites
Waiting for the cover of darkness to come and eat my dead flesh.
Echoes of breathless laughter haunt the uncreated memories
Which dwell in the parallel universe of my sleeping hours
And you stand there asking me to smile.

You should have waited one more moment
And given me time to put on my mask.
The mask of courage and love I wear for you.
I need not wear it for him, for he can see
With only one eye, into the deepest reaches of my heart.
He knows the fears and sorrows better than all of us.

I see you looking sorry for me. I hear you telling me how brave I am.
You are asses, and know nothing of fear or courage.
Everyday he fights the battles of his memories
Everyday he fights the battles of whispered conversations as he passes
The none so subtle stares of strangers trying to imagine what created this beast.
And the face that looks back at him in the mirror.

I will smile. But not for you. Not today.

Loving the chocolate!

2009-10-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

the battle

2009-09-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sack after sack of heavy sand assault
the filmy membrains of my eyelids; forcing
their heavy load upon me against my will.
Battling the torrential downpour of exhaustion,
the arsenal is empty.
I am left filling holes with helium;
repairing rents with ribbon
while murderous minutes suck the marrow of my soul.

Home again

2009-08-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Hello to my few, but loyal followers. I have no poetry to share with you today, just a quick note to say I have returned from my epic 6 week family adventure across the USA and Canada where I have been phone and Internet free. :) A lovely experience...you should try it! But, I will go through my 1300+ photos and get something posted soon. In the meantime, check out the newest addition to our "family".

Shakespeare's Lake

2009-05-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

sitting curled in each others arms
listening to the lazy lapping
of the cool obsidian water
as it caresses the stony shore
we watch the moon rise

under the spell of its rippling invitation
we speak our dreams aloud
breathing in the precious minutes
as we creep closer to goodbye
not knowing when we might touch again

we laugh about walking across the silvery path
that leads us from here...to where
and quickly abandon that fruitless vision
which lays waste to hope and joy
and turn, instead, to the beauty in our lives

and all the while I know
I cannot share this moon with you
in all its incredible glory
for my heart is bound to another love
and this is our moon - his and mine
but I cannot bear the hurt in telling you

you have another place in my heart
for always you will be my friend
and I am eternally grateful
for what you awoke in my life
and I cherish each moment we get together

minute by minute

2009-05-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

"...longing for the future [is] as antilife as dwelling in the past ("nostalgia and hope stand equally in the way of authentic experience")" Jitterbug Perfume, by Tom Robbins, p. 299

minute by minute the jet stream of my life
slices through the clear blue sky
above, around, ahead and behind me.

"carpe diem"
"the power of now"
a million best sellers in the life business
telling and teaching me how to be happy

but have they any experience with this

this...rediculous power you have over me
to tear me to shreds with a glance
an unspoken thought
a half a breath

who are you that my life -
my AMAZING life - pales when
not shared with you

Oh....I have been so happy without you
and I long to be at peace inside myself
once and for all

to know
once and for all

to feel and see and hear
once and for all

but always there is the cacophony of unsaid thoughts
that threaten to perforate my brain
leaving me scrambling to gather the pulpy mess off the floor
and put it back where it belongs
but it never goes back where it came from
and I am constantly trying to hold it all in

to hold it all together

in the now
my now
without you

looking back through the haze and hurts of yesterday
and hoping against hope that maybe
this time
everything will right itself
and the power of love and trust and honour and truth
will wash away the stains
and heal my head

I long for peace
for an end to my questions
to sleep and dream and wake up well

to seize each day
with
or without
you.

2009-05-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

Walk with me
And I will tell you
What is going on in my head.

Walk with me
And I will tell you
What is going on in my heart.

It may take hours, or weeks.
Maybe a lifetime.

And when I tell you all that I am,
What will you think of me?

Will you be able to look into my eyes?
Will you see goodness in me, still?
Will you understand my heart, and still love me?

I am afraid for you
To see that part of me
Which quakes and trembles
Beneath the surface.
Afraid to be discovered.

But, that part is only a part
Of the complicated me.
Do not judge me based on one part.
My whole being yearns to be cherished.
Accepted. Understood. Protected.

Walk with me.
Hold my hand.
Let me breathe.

Walk with me.
Forever.

corporate responsibility "In My World"

2009-05-16T19:46:00.001-07:00

corporate responsibility
Originally uploaded by jeff topham

Jeff Topham calls this photo "corporate responsibility" and when viewed in context with the other shots in this set, the irony of this shot is incredible. I encourage you to visit Jeff's website and browse his amazing photos. http://jefftopham.com/

I had a very different response to this shot and this is what came of my feelings...

In my world
I preach the evils of the mind altering, body disfiguring
Poison
Residing in your glossy, multi-million dollar
Flare of white ribbon on red.

In my world
I preach to those who, like me, live on the stuff of dreams.
Poison
Residing in the iTouch universe where
really, we touch – nothing.

In my world
I preach to the rest of the peasants under glass.
Poison
Threatening our happy existence in the form of
Knowledge...

In my world
I gingerly slit one white-bred eye
With the silver spoon from my mouth
Which tarnishes on contact
With the poisoned air
And learn little – and nothing – of the outside world.

Playing For Change | Peace Through Music

2009-05-16T16:12:00.001-07:00

Playing For Change | Peace Through Music

Posted using ShareThis
Thank you Jeff.

2009-05-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

you started the fire
tethered it on the end of a magic rope

wrote thoughts of love
the smoke of which drifted into my nostrils

pulling me to you
to touch and torch

eyes

2009-04-21T21:45:00.001-07:00

the eyes tell the story the voice
cannot give rise to
for to speak the words aloud
would destroy the world we have built
so carefully
with our breath
with our tears
with the too few traces we have left
on each others' skin
fingerprints untraceable now
vanishing with the seconds, minutes, days
of the time we have not spent together

the eyes gift the truth of my heart to you
when my voice is paralyzed with grief and joy
and the hundred things I want to tell you
the words themselves damn up the river
of my story forcing me to swallow
the precious drops
until I am drowned
in my own life

the eyes grow heavy with the toil of silence
as we live together and apart
filling space with our bodies
while our minds drift on another plain
seeking the comfort of each other's touch
a breath
a tear
a touch
dreamt of and longed for
but so long in coming

Baby Blackbird

2009-04-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

A froth of pink and blonde
Tangled in the branches
Of the still sleeping tree
Your crystalline steel blue eyes
Cast upward in earnest
As you try to climb closer to the elusive
Winged magician that has captured your
Attention in this moment.

Squealing with delight I send for the camera
To immortalize this living, loving memory
Remembering the bits and pieces of another memory
Constructed in my mind only by the words
Of the story told to me over and over again.
A verbal snapshot of my own childhood
And a stranded sister stuck up a tree.

But, you are anything but stuck
Carefully retracing the fuzzy, gem encrusted slippers
Back down the rough whorl encrusted trunk
To collect the beautiful singing bird toy
That could be the baby of the Momma you seek.
You lift your gentle hands skyward
And show off your prized possession
Only to watch her fly off to a higher tree.

My little adventurer.
My dreamer.
You live so openly.
Believing the bird will come to see you.
Keep believing my little one,
That the world will respond in kind to your advances.
And you, too, will fly higher and higher.

I'm Yours

2009-04-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

I just HAD to post this. It makes my heart happy.
The lyrics.com is iffy, but you get most of it. :) Sing along!

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - I'm Yours lyrics

The Loon's Song

2009-04-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Two birds of prey circle overhead;
One the majestic Bald, the other Golden,
Eyeing each other with mistrust
Waiting to swoop down
To take their place at the stone table
Where my Promethean heart is bound.

Bound by love and joy, my heart grows
Anew, each day, filled with laughter.
Sharing experiences as the Universe reveals
To wide, amazed eyes, Her splendid secrets.
Pink mouths dance as one question answered
Pops the champagne cork of "Why?"

Why, then, in the midst of bliss do I strain against
These bonds and throw my soul skyward
To where you are, and wonder who will catch me?
Until I hear my ghostly mate's mournful cry.
My life partner gliding silently across still waters
Singing a song of such true and haunting love.

Love, that binds my heart firmly, lovingly, deeply.
Knowing, that to hold too tight, will break
The hollow bones that let me fly,
He sings his unmistakable Loon song.
As I soar with the Eagles
Spinning, Diving, Circling at dizzying heights,
His songs lead me by heart, back to Earth
To refresh my spirit in the cool waters.

2009-04-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

spring wakes slowly

stretching stiff, cold limbs

silently laughing at the

suffering around her

succulent buds tentativly

seeking the warmth of her breath

stirring with need to open

sun starved blossoms

soon...we are told

so we wait and watch

scared to hope that maybe today the

snow won't stick.

the blethering place

2009-04-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

back when I was young, and foolish -I hardly knew myself, in fact -
love came knocking in the form of a soft spoken, spirited young man
ever a gentleman, but always a trickster
telling me things to swell my head and my heart
handing me my future on a silver platter
enticing me to heights I had not dreamt of before
rescuing me from a path that would have done damage - no doubt -
i felt he saw things in me no one else in the world could see
now almost twenty years have passed and I
grow more in love with him, with every day we are blessed to be together

My darling, I will never forget where it all started. You are a wonderful, kind, funny, sensitive, romantic, sentimental, compassionate man and I am the luckiest woman in the world. Happy Anniversary!

http://www.bletheringplace.com/

2009-03-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Labyrinthine skeleton fervently clings,
mirroring the grandeur
of her former self;
remembrances of sustaining life blood
springing through her perfect anatomy.
Singing, while wind whistled,
laughed, danced, tickled,
and finally tore her
from her castle high.

Crowned in royal purple and shot through
with new-birth green, born of her own body,
she waits quietly;
unnoticed as the mother with a new born babe
and just as proud.

eloquently
gracefully
eternally
She returns from whence she came.

Extreme LED Sheep Hearding

2009-03-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is excellent fun!! A must share.

Make someone smile today...pass it on.

the greatest gift

2009-03-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my love,
you have given me
the greatest gift of all.

You gave my heart peace.
You gave me respect and compassion,
telling me you trust me,
you trust our love,
you trust my heart.

I receive this precious gift
with the responsibility of
cherishing it as I cherish you.
I will hold it carefully
with both hands.

My love for you grows every day.
Of the million stars,
yours in the brightest.
Then, now, always and forever.

Matthew Santos "Matters of the Bittersweet"

2009-03-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

I found Matthew by accident on YouTube and he speaks to my heart.

Oh, ain’t it funny how things changed
Once lovers then friends now strangers
With great sorrow that is haunting and beautiful

And, oh it ain't funny how we've tried
To see the whole wide world, eye to eye
But now I know it’s not always so simple

And I take this in stride down the way
I’m deaf, dumb or blind, so you say
But this ain't easy, what I'm leaving

Oh ain't it funny how we fear
The truth of our own madness brought to life
But it's only a matter of time

And I take this in stride down the way
And I've made big mistakes as they made me
But it's a long road where I'm going

And I should tell you I miss you
But I...I wanna hold you and kiss you
But I know that it ain't right
Not this time..

Oh it ain't funny how things end
We've could of done it all so different to save a friend
But you gave me but one choice to decide
And the only thing I could do was take a ride

And I take this in stride down the way
With my love deep inside pray it guides me
‘Cause it's a long road where I'm going

It's a long road where you're going
My sweet Burgundy
So goodbye my daffodil.
Goodbye

2009-03-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Yet another morning I wake to find you gone from our bed.
Air shudders from my lungs and across my dry mouth.
Wondering what I will find; straining my ears to hear.
How have I upset you this morning?

Echos of yesterday's conversations still ring.
The bitter salt springs eternal in my eyes
Not to soothe the abused and overworked spheres
But to toil them further.

Toil intended to force them to look unnaturally inward.
Nerves and sinews strained to breaking.
The optic nerve connected to the heart string.
Unable, all, to work in harmony.

I recognize beauty in the flower in my window
Lit with the unwelcome and perfect blue winter light.
The tired spheres gladly look outward again
Seeking beauteous distraction.

My thoughts and words do not flow easily today.
I am ill at ease, not knowing
If you will stay by my side all this night.
So that I might hold your hand in the dark.

De-lovely

2009-03-09T21:00:00.001-07:00

This movie is way up on my favourites list.
Maybe even my most favourite.
It is the story of the life and loves of the great song writer,
Cole Porter.

This scene is beautiful - as Cole is singing to his very sick wife, Linda, the shot moves between the intimacy of the two of them at his piano, and the opening night performance of "Kiss Me Kate" where Petruchio and Kate sing this love song. It is the first opening night Linda is unable to attend.

If you love music, and romance...see this movie.
It speaks to my heart.

Tell me

2009-03-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Tell me again and again
How much you love me.
It makes my heart happy to hear it.

Tell me again and again
What you want.
It makes my heart happy to hear it.

Tell me again and again
How much you miss me.
It makes my heart happy to hear it.

Don't talk about the future
We know nothing about.
It will get here when it gets here.

Build bridges to span the distance.
Talk and laugh and share your life.
And let our friendship blossom.

Trust me. And, trust yourself.
Those around us will learn to trust us both,
For we are worthy of their trust.

2009-03-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

After An Afternoon

words by Jason Mraz & Ariel Quirolo
music by Jason Mraz

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble to the season of my heart
You have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
Until all is lost
And I think it's lost

And there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After an afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward your ceiling
After an afternoon

Face to palm
Tear to tear
And
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground

I am in love

whispering

2009-03-07T22:31:00.001-08:00

Sticks and stones may break your bones
But one word – orange – it bruises.

When I look at the path we have walked,
It is littered with hurtful words that lie
Smouldering with the anger that fumed
Passionately from our fiery mouths.
I don’t want to look there anymore.
How can I stop my ears from hearing the
Words that constrict my heart and bring
Me, choking, back into the fire
That threatens to consume me?

Why do you visit me so?
And, how is it you keep finding me,
When I am so careful to mask my footsteps
And to make myself invisible to prying eyes?
You shimmer and whisper dulcet harmonies
Until the horrible advancing fear that hounds me to
This place, vanishes as a puff of smoke chased by the wind.

I have asked you again and again to leave me
And, yet you do not.
You stand in silent solace, still singing
And whispering the way you do
So that I can’t quite hear you
But can never forget your presence.

You? You master the fire; tethering and playing; drawing
Brilliant images; laughing at the acrid smell of burnt
Flesh and hair; enjoying the danger and the thrill.
Is that why you have withstood the fire of my heart?

I want to understand you. The whole you.
I understand you well enough to know how to bruise you.
I want you to understand me. The whole me.
But I don’t want to be your bruise.

Where do we go from here?
You and me. He and she. She and I. You and Him.
When life hands you lemons; make orange juice.
It’s sweeter.

warnings and personal reflection

2009-03-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

Good friends, who care a lot about me and mine, recently sent me this horoscope reading. I thank you for your concern. I do see a lot of truth in this and am reflecting accordingly. I am grateful for your influence and presence in my life.

Unrealistic attitudes in personal relationships may cause problems during this time, and you may experience disappointments that will seriously affect your domestic life. You tend to avoid the truth about yourself and about your relationships at this time, and your reluctance to deal with reality could set you up for a very severe fall. This will undermine your self-confidence as well as the relationships. Your sense of reality in relationships and your ability to accept others as they are is being tested by this influence. If a new potential lover comes along, you may be swept off your feet. You are not excited by the reality of the person but by something within yourself that you are projecting upon the other. When you finally learn the truth about the other person, you may have difficulty accepting it, even though the truth is perfectly all right in itself. A danger you should watch for especially with this influence is that of being attracted to an unattainable person. You may be setting yourself up for a situation in which you cannot win. The other person appears as an unrealizable dream, someone who is too far above you to be attained. You have to recognize that your real objective here is avoiding an actual encounter. If you play this as a dreamy kind of game, you are unlikely to do anyone, including yourself, much harm. But if you take your "suffering" seriously, the resulting sense of defeat may be quite harmful to you. Also, others may find your martyred role in love very difficult to be around. Relationships like these are often born of a feeling of inadequacy. By avoiding confrontations with real people, you also avoid a confrontation with yourself, in which you fear that you will be the loser. Yet a real confrontation is just what you need. If you persist in one of these relationships after this period, you will have to confront both yourself and your partner as real individuals. Whatever the outcome, this could be the most valuable part of the relationship.

torn

2009-03-06T14:57:00.001-08:00

torn
Originally uploaded by j_jyarbrough

torn. indeed.
wanting. to be loved.
hurting. herself and those who love her.

crying. more tears than she thought one could possess.
craving. passion in many forms.
understanding. the destruction.

needing. him to love all of her, unconditionally.
desiring. to have it all.
knowing. not how to have it without pain.

pleading. for him to hear the innermost reaches of her heart.
and know...
she is torn

the last wish you made will come true

2009-03-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

Thursday night is "date night" when we sit down with Chinese food and watch Survivor. Things have been difficult lately, and I have been making many wishes for the future. Last night was a wonderful, conversational, connected night with my beloved; we tapped into forgotten places in our hearts and came to understand more about each other, again. After dinner I opened my fortune cookie and it read, "The last wish you made will come true."

Today as I logged into YouTube, this video was in the "recommended for you" panel. I have read this book, listened to the CD's and watched the movie. But, I find this is a perfect reminder for myself today. I hope it will be for you, too.

I am truly grateful for the wonderful, compassionate, loving, connected, caring, people in my life. Thank you all for loving me. I take none of you for granted! Today is a beautiful day.

2009-03-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

Out of place in my own life; disjointed, hurting, I plough deep troughs with little regard to those whose hearts and lives are turned inside out by my labours; and, I question what lessons you claim to be teaching me.
Regrettably, we drifted apart, but now that the door is opened to you again, you claim to know me - to know my heart - better than I do. How can you possibly know how I feel?
Acrimoniously, you berate and counsel me “in the name of perfect love.” But, I remember how you casually tossed me aside like so much trash, saying you could promise me nothing.
Nothing! That our connection was not enough for you! That you would continue to be open to others who might come along to fill up parts of you that you might not even know needed filling.
Gathering strength in solace, I burrowed deep inside myself, and shut you out of my life. I told you I understood – that I could live with it – but I couldn’t. I was angry and in pain at the loss. Could I ever trust and love like that again? I did not know – or seek to know – until now.
Every time I fall in love, my heart grows. I am grateful to him for opening my heart to love – again. I have great loves in my life. I will not allow myself to walk that road again. I love swiftly and deeply and loyally. You will either grow to understand and accept and cherish me, or you will turn your heart away from me. And we will all lose. Bitterly.

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, WHO?

2009-03-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor WHO?

You don't know?

Well here's a clue.

He taught you all your A B C's.

To dot your i's,

and cross your t's.

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor WHO?

You just don't know?

Well don't feel blue!

He taught you how to read in rhyme.

I'll bet he even taught you time!

Do YOU know the name I seek?

Well think and think

While up a creek!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor WHO?

You still don't know?

Here's one more clue.

He sketched his sketch

And made you laugh,

While sliding backwards

On his giraffe!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor WHO?

No...No...No!

Not that rolly, polly Winnie The Pooh!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor WHO?

No...No...No!

Not that crafty, daftly Mr. Magoo!

A cat in a hat may set you straight

If you pit and pat and rat-a-tat-tat

While you roller-skate!

There's a Doctor,

On Mulberry Street!

With a beak and feathers

And two webbed feet!

Now eggs and ham are fit for a Queen

Especially if they're the colour GREEN!

Now the WHO's of WHOVILLE

No, they didn't flinch.

They kept up the cheer

And made a saint of the GRINCH!

Doctor, Doctor in the house.

Oh Doctor, can you help this mouse?

Yes! YES!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor SEUSS!!

That silly, silly, silly goose!

Oh Doctor, Doctor, Doctor Seuss,

There's a Doctor, Doctor, on the loose!

Thank you. Thank you! Doctor Seuss!!

You're one silly, silly, SILLY goose!

My dear husband wrote this lovely Ode to Dr. Suess, and I find it fitting to post today.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Every Time We Say Goodbye

2009-03-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

For many years, I had a "love affair" with Cole Porter, and then we drifted apart. I recently rented "Delovely" and fell in love all over again. Cole Porter's music is timeless, heart wrenchingly beautiful, raw and powerful, complicated, and full of real life. I highly recommend the movie, and I hope you enjoy this beautiful song.

Ev'ry time we say goodbye I die a little
Ev'ry time we say goodbye I wonder why a little
Why the gods above me who must be in the know
Think so little of me they allow you to go

When you're near there's such an air of spring about it
I can hear a lark somewhere begin to sing about it
There's no love song finer
But how strange the change from major to minor
Ev'ry time we say goodbye

or else my heart concealing it, will break

2009-02-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

i stand in the middle
looking out to the corners
but only one is looking back
and he is sad

- you are totally disengaged (stay there)
~ you are understandably disappointed (but still love)
* you are lonely and know not where to turn (and I am sorry)
and he is sad and hurt

i search all the eyes
and look into my own heart
and live the truth, despite the pain
and he is sad and hurt and confused

- you completely broke me and my trust in people
~ you opened doors for me, then closed them forcibly
* you came and taught me how to trust and love again
and he is sad and hurt and confused...and patient

my tongue will tell the anger of my heart
my tongue will tell the sadness of my heart
my tongue will tell the secrets of my heart
But, he who is sad and hurt and confused and patient, loves me

ME!
All of me.
The passionate and the foolish me.
The kind and the cruel me.
The wise and the weak me.
Me.
I am forever grateful.

I move forward from this place of gratitude - with joy.
Everyday is new opportunity to be joyful.
I rejoice in you.

Forever, YOUR one and only.

singing to the dragon

2009-02-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

I sing to soothe the dragon that protests
And rages in the corners of my heart.
There, love lives large, but cries in pain today
Remembering the time that we have spent
Just looking into one another's eyes,
And making love together with our sighs.

Two fools are we to let our hearts run free
Into a place where nothing good will come.
Unchecked passion, that kills all those around
Who live to love us only - keep our home
And sacred trust - to honour minds and hearts
While we do shame their love with our upstarts.

But, oh! My friend forever you will be.
And, as I journey through this life, I know
That you are there, and part of you in me.
Now read kind words to soothe my furrowed brow
And I will hear your voice within my dreams,
Which soothes within my heart the dragon’s screams.

kind is my love

2009-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Let not my love be called idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
Fair, kind, and true, is all my argument,
Fair, kind, and true, varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
Fair, kind, and true, have often lived alone,
Which three till now, never kept seat in one.

~ William Shakespeare (Sonnet CV)